The Weekly Stupidity Awards: 04/11/2011

Time flies when you’re having fun doesn’t it? It seems like only a week ago we were compiling the Weekly Stupidity Awards and here we are again. Being a small organization comprised of my dog Jasper and I, we don’t have a lot of resources to travel the world in search of the stupid things that stupid people do but fortunately we don’t have to. Stupidity is all around us and even Jasper is starting to scratch his head at the abundance of it.

We came close to including Kim Kardashian’s pending divorce after only 72 days of being married but decided it wasn’t so much stupid as just somewhat precious. We also took a pass on the paternity issue now swirling around Justin Beiber. We’ll wait for the tests establishing whether or not he’s actually in puberty before commenting.

So, after hours of discussion, a couple of glasses of wine and a Milk Bone biscuit for Jasper, here’s this week’s awards for outstanding achievement in just being stupid. Congratulations to all of our winners.

Gold Award:  Man Calls 911 To Complain About Being Short-changed In Drug Deal

 It takes a special kind of stupid to commit a felony and then call for help from the police when it goes sour. Police in North Charleston arrested Dexter White after he called to report that he had paid his pusher $60 for crack but only got $20 worth of drugs. White complained that his dealer was refusing to give him back his $40 in change. While he may be stupid, White did have the presence of  mind to smoke the crack before calling the police.

 Silver Award:  Suicide Delayed Until After Playboy Publishes Lindsay Lohan Pictoral

In Calgary Canada, Jeffrey Knutson was pretty much set to end it all and head off to the next life until learning that Lindsay Lohan was going to appear in Playboy.”I had the pills on the table”, he said. “I was literally doing the final edits on my suicide note.” Apparently what stopped him from taking the leap was the news about Lohan showing up in his RSS feed while was looking up synonyms in an online Thesaurus for his suicide note. He may not be all that bright but he gets full marks for trying to be literate.

Knutson, a business analyst, had decided to end it all last Sunday after his fourth failed Internet date last month but it isn’t the first time he’s contemplated moving on. The last time he came close to committing suicide, he had to postpone it for the American Idol finals.

It gives you some understanding of why his Internet dates might not be working out for him, doesn’t it?

Bronze Award:  Man Makes Urine Deposit At ATM

After being told that he couldn’t purchase a money order at an RBC branch in Palm Coast, a man apparently urinated in a bank tube at the bank’s ATM. Another customer arrived sometime later and the urine spilled onto her and into her car. Sheriff’s deputies have indicated that the man became upset and complained about poor customer service after being told he couldn’t purchase the money order. The police are continuing their investigation.

I have issues with poor bank service but I’ve never considered depositing bodily fluids as an means to make my point. I have decided, however, to be more careful when making a withdrawal.

Honourable Mention:  A Warning Precaution To Would Be Drug Dealers.

If you forget to lock your cell phone you might get locked up.

Police in Hall County, Ga. Arrested an 18-year-old who "pocket-dialed" 911 while discussing a drug deal.It started when a 911 dispatcher received a call in which she heard several people discussing a pending drug deal. The police triangulated the cell phone signal and sent a deputy to the a local area restaurant. Upon arrival, the deputy was interviewing employees when the 911 dispatcher heard the deputy’s voice over the phone line. He quickly found and apprehended Daniel Moore after informing him that he had been on the phone with 911 for several minutes.

Honourable Mention:  Definition Of Human Rights Expanded

In Ottawa Canada, the occupy protest took on a new level of stupidity this week when protesters demanded free hydro and water services to their encampment. The demand was made in a media interview in which the protesters claimed electricity and water are human rights and it is illegal to deny them to anyone.  It makes you scratch your head that some day, these are the people who will be running the country. We’re we that stupid at that age? God! I hope not.

I'm keeping an eye on this because if the Occupy Ottawa group are successful, I'll be changing my name to Occupy and demanding free electricity and water service to my home.

And that’s it for another week. Have no fear, though, Jasper and I will continue to scour the world as we share some refreshment together to bring you more outstanding achievement by stupid people doing stupid things.

Hey…these Milk Bone things are quite good.

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