Barristers at Law (and all round good guys)
December 17, 2011
E. Scrooge
Attorney
Department of Justice
Government of Canada
22 Grinch Way
Ottawa, On
Without Prejudice
Without Prejudice
Dear Sir:
As a point of information, we have been retained by Mr. Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and the firm of S. Claus Enterprises Inc. to represent them in all matters pertaining to those raised in your letter of December 12, 2011.
As a further point of information, all further correspondence regarding this matter is to be addressed to our firm and to my personal attention.
Be advised of the following:
1. Ownership of the North Pole is disputed between Canada, Finland, Russia and The United States of America. Until this matter is resolved, the nationality of any who live within the boundaries of that territory cannot be established. Accordingly, we reject categorically any suggestion of a tax liability to Canada.
2. Neither Mr. Claus nor his enterprise charge for their services. Mr. Claus is a philanthropist who donates countless hours and gifts to try and bring cheer to little boys and girls around the world. The suggestion that Mr. Claus runs an extortion racket in shopping malls is specious. Mr Claus is too busy supervising last minute preparations for Christmas to personally spend time getting his picture taken. Those operations are run by the malls who hire Santa imitators and any tax collection for monies earned should be addressed to their attention. Likewise, the appearance of Mr. Claus at various parades is voluntary and he receives no compensation for them.
3. We acknowledge that Mrs. Claus does receive some income from her pole dancing but most is used to buy a few rounds for the boys at the bar after her last performance of the evening. The balance is used to purchase equipment and uniforms required for her performances. I am not at liberty to discuss the nature of that equipment,
4. As a final point of information. Mr. Claus is himself an elf (reference: T’was The Night Before Christmas where Mr. Claus is referred to as ”a jolly old elf”) and therefore not subject to the same tax implications or laws attendant on human beings or similar citizens of any nationality.
We acknowledge that Mrs. Claus is not an elf but does not earn enough from her exotic dancing to owe tax. The fact that Mr. Claus has a weakness for 25 year old blondes, with killer bodies, long luscious legs and the moves of a ….sorry, I lost my train of thought for a moment….In any event, the circumstances of Mrs. Claus’s income remain irrelevant to this matter until the territorial jurisdiction is resolved.
We do acknowledge that Mrs. Claus will require a work visa to continue dancing at the Bare Bear Saloon in Whitehorse and have submitted the appropriate application to Immigration Canada.
We trust this makes the position of our client clear on these matters and further trust that you will consider the matter closed, as we do. As I am sure you can appreciate, Christmas is the busiest time of the year for Mr. Claus and his elves. Your interference in their preparations has been a distraction from those preparations and anything but helpful.
Yours truly
Raphael (Dink) Dinkley
Hinkley, Dinkley & Cohen
Attorney’s at Law
4 Whiteout St.
Tinsel Town Plaza
Flin Flon Manitoba
Canada
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