What Men and Women Really Mean

I had a friend who met his wife through an online dating site. I was single at the time so I thought I would try it. My friend and his wife seemed very happy and I thought it might just be the ticket to meeting someone. I was naive. Dating sites are like Dodge City before Wyatt Earp showed up and if you haven't been there, you need to tread carefully if you do go.

The first thing you do when you join one of these sites is create a profile. That sounded relatively easy and it was. I jotted down a few personal details and a little about the type of person I was looking for and waited for the cards and letters to come in...and they did. But apprently I didn't speak the language too well for I ended up going on first dates with a nurse who informed me in great detail over lunch about the disgusting black stuff she had to remove from people's navels before surgery and with a woman who timed our date and who's wrist watch alarm went off when time was up. I had a first date with a woman who had scheduled three meet and greets for that day and kept calling me Bart (not my name) but my favourite was the gal who stood on her head in the park to prove she was still fit and spry at 50. The legs went up, the skirt obeyed gravity and fell to earth and people stared at me like seeing her skinny legs in the air was my fault.

I realized quickly that the problem with my first few choices was that I didn't understand the subtleties of online dating language and so I made a detailed study of what people really mean in the dating profiles and when they write. I share them here as a public service to those who might be considering online dating.

What Women Really Mean

1. I have a few extra pounds really means:
            I'm as big as a house
2. I'm an old fashioned romantic really means:
            I expect you to pay if we go out on a date
3. My friends tell me that I would be a good catch really means
            I don't actually get out much and don't have any friends
4. I like to go slow and take my time to get to know a man really means
            I'm frigid.
5. I don't sleep with just anybody really means:
            I'm a former slut
6. I'm not interested in one-night stands really means:
            I'm going to try to be a former slut.
7. Let's meet for coffee and see if there's chemistry really means:
           I have no imagination and only date guys I think are good looking
8. I prefer a gentleman You must be employed and established really means:
           I usually date losers but thought I'd give something different a try
9, I love to be pampered and spoiled really means:
           I'm lazy
10 I'd like to travel more really means:
           The biggest trip I ever took was cross-border shopping to the States.

What Men Really Mean

1. Just love the way women express themselves in their profiles really means:
            I want to have sex with  all of them.
2. You have a pretty smile in your pic but I bet it's prettier in person really means:
            Let's have sex after I take dirty pictures of you
3. I'm looking for a long-term relationship really means:
            I'd like to have sex with you more than once but I'm OK with a one-night stand
4. I'll bet your friends aren't as pretty as you really means?
            Let's invite one of your ugly friends over for a threesome
5. I have a pretty nice car really means:
            We can use the back seat to have sex
6. I'm a romantic really means:
            I'd have sex with you pretty much anywhere, including the floor
7. I'd like to do something interesting on a first date really means:
            Let's book a room at the Holiday Inn and have wild monkey sex
8. I love a woman who is feminine really means:
            Fantasizing about you in sexy lingerie, boots and leather makes me horny
9. I think communication in a relationship is very important really means:
            Talk dirty to me while we're having sex
10. The dress you're wearing in your profile pic doesn't go with the shoes really means:
             I'm gay.

And there you have it. How to translate profiles and communication on a dating site, provided here as a public service. Use at your own risk and....good luck.

© 2011 Maggie's Bear
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